


A Soul So Fractured

by ElmiDol



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, star wars the rise of skywalker
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Forgiveness, Mostly Canon Compliant, Post-TRoS, Redemption, Slow or medium burn, Some Fluff, Somewhat religious themes, major tros spoilers, philosophical, some creative liberties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21906994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmiDol
Summary: The saga has ended, yet the stories live on. This is his...and yours.MAJOR TROS SPOILERSVague summary until more time has passed so others can watch Episode IX[on hiatus indefinitely]
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know that I have many other fics, and I will be working on them. Episode IX offered me closure on certain things in my life. Other things I am still processing. I hope that this fic helps with that while also further exploring Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.

**A Soul So Fractured**

_ A post-The Rise of Skywalker _

_ Kylo/Reader Fic _

by elmidol

**One**

_ Of Forgiveness and Sin _

When he first appeared in the darkness there had been a faint glow that alerted you to the fact he was not present in his entirety. There were traces of impurity, of the dark side of the Force, and of gray. The absence of light was what kept you from approaching this man. Another thing that struck you was how young he was. Not that you were a stranger to dealing with younglings or adolescents. It was more that you knew of his crimes. That was why you were present. The Force had guided you there in a similar manner that it had guided you to others who had become one in the Force. Anakin Skywalker had not been assigned to you. Whoever it was that had interacted with the Chosen One, they had also been responsible for seeing that Darth Vader atoned for his crimes. What could not be done in life was done in death. Sacrificing himself to save his son and thus the galaxy, that was but the first step. Likewise, this dark and gray being known as Kylo Ren had been forgiven by his father and mother. He was separate from his light; his crimes and the seeds of darkness that would spring forward for generations to come, those remained in the world. Those were what he had to face. Except you could not propose this without his better half.

This was the part of him that had craved power, the segment of his soul that would laugh in bitter amusement should you suggest it. You could not die just as he could no longer die. That did not mean you were immune to pain. You feared him, his touch, his cruelty. They were two halves to a whole; Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. They were also the same person. Only as one could a sin be atoned for. Only with both the dark and the light was there the true gray.

The residual gray that you sensed from the shade once known as Kylo Ren was due to the light lingering from the life given by his mother and the touch of his father. Those had been the killing blows. Love healed by destroying the darkness. That made the Force so difficult to understand.

Despite your desire to remain away from the dark being, he sensed your presence. Something you should have taken into consideration, how well attuned he was to the Force. Becoming one with it heightened his abilities. He turned, the shadow in the dark twisting. You felt the moment his eyes landed on you. A red glow lit the area around him, albeit not from his lightsaber. That had remained in the land of the living. The helmet that had for so long marked him as Kylo Ren was what created the streaks of red. Fractured in the same way that his soul had been. Not only because he had light and dark in him, but because he had killed. To take a life was to destroy a part of yourself. In the end, he would have to reclaim those pieces.

You worried that you would fail him as a guide. Or that he would fail you, that he would not want to gather those shards. It wasn’t unheard of. Emperor Palpatine was one such being. Some Sith truly wished to pervert the Force. If in death Kylo Ren became more cemented in the dark side, he would as well.

“Another girl.” The mask distorted his voice, made it deeper than it normally was. The redness flared then dimmed. You had heard a trace of intrigue along with venom when he spoke. The darkness in him hated defeat.

You remained unaffected by the words he chose. Instead your attention remained on his silhouette. The hands that could hurt you. That was what some people believed to be hell: being torn asunder until the darkness grew tired. Others believed hell was facing sin. It was difficult for many to take a true look in the mirror. And that was  _ your _ hell. You were a guide and a source of reflection. You had to go through the motions along with the one you guided. And this was the most difficult task that you had ever been given.

It was harder when it was only his dark half, but also when he was bound to another in the Force. A dyad. That information had been given to you when you had been given the assignment as well. It was imperative that you were careful so as to not inadvertently reawaken Kylo Ren, to revive him in the still-alive Ben Solo. That would destroy the person he was bound to. She was not your assignment, you could not touch her.

Force sensitives were complicated.

The red glow had shifted towards the right. The shade of Kylo Ren explored the area of darkness around him and away from you. “ _ No one is ever really gone _ ,” he murmured to himself. You knew that he was quoting something or someone. “How do I know these things…” He half turned, and you retreated a step. “Will I retain these memories?”

He was assuming that he would return to the land of the living. Kylo Ren believed that Ben Solo would be swayed by the allure of power then plunge back into darkness. You were incapable of saying that this was an impossibility.

“Some do. Others do not.”

Kylo Ren was quieted by the sound of your voice, the calmness with which you spoke.

Time flowed differently here than with the living. One could peer into the future or the past. The issue with the former was that the future was ever changing. To shift one way or the other when in the presence of a soul was inadvisable. The soul would travel with you. If it disappeared, that would mean it had returned to the living or else found peace. In this case, because you could see all of the fractures and missing pieces, you knew that it would be the first. You would not know why. If the lack of an inner peace due to the darkness not finding rest plummeted Ben Solo into a spiral that revived Kylo Ren, that would be on you.

“Your parents forgave you,” you said in order to gauge his reaction.

A scoff. “They forgave Ben Solo. They never cared for me.” An interesting thing; that sounded like jealousy, like hurt. He wanted to be loved even when he had craved the fear of others. “I did not die.”

“There are many kinds of death.” Another scoff. Him muttering something in regards to  _ philosophical distractions _ . His shade at long last began to approach your direction. You remained standing in place. There was no sense of danger. This dark being was hungry for information that only you could provide. If he chose to employ darkside techniques, it would hurt you. Running would only delay this. There was no escaping him.

The shade of Kylo Ren brushed aside his cape as he lifted his right arm, extending to the limb to where he was able to set his hand near your head. You waited. Nothing. No tendrils of darkness, no daggers of pain. Kylo Ren was testing you, you realized. Seeing if you could manipulate the Force. If you could fight him. His reluctance to enter your head bespoke of a failure he may have encountered in the past. You would know that in time should he allow you to guide him. Kylo tilted his head to the side. His mask-distorted breath filtered into your ears.

“I feel it.”

You did as well. You could feel the flickering presence of another, which could only be his light half. A wave of pity flooded through you. Ben Solo was becoming one with the Force sooner than you had thought; it was much similar to the deaths of Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker. Somehow Ben had lasted a little longer. When he did appear, there was a smile of peace on his face.

The dark half trembled with contempt. There was an unspoken thought that was so palpable: had you been powerful, like me, you would have survived; Ben Solo was weak, just as I said he was.

“I wasn’t lost,” Ben Solo said, and the pity vanished. Something before his death had returned to him a piece of his soul. Someone he had hurt along the way had forgiven him.

The jealous shade of Kylo Ren lurched forward. Ben did not make a move to deflect the dark half’s approach. He smiled even as the gloved hand wrapped around his throat. All at once, Kylo yanked away. The hand that had assaulted Ben now went to his own neck. He rubbed the area. It was too easy to hurt oneself.

Your eyes drank in the holes that were in the two halves. The missing pieces along with the areas that Ben and Kylo bled into one another. They were different but also the same.

“I’m ready,” Ben said to you. He knew. He was so intune with the Force, and he firmly believed that he was not beyond redemption. The dark half did not believed there was anything to be redeemed for, that he had to earn forgiveness for.

People rarely remembered that, even with good intentions, there are those that are hurt along the way. And their sacrifice, their murders, their agony had to be acknowledged. They were not nothing. The moment anyone started to believe that others were mere pawns, that was when the darkness truly corrupted.

You wondered if Kylo Ren, this shade of him, was more like Palpatine than the Emperor’s granddaughter would ever be.

Looking at the dark shade, you allowed a veil of silence to descend so that he could process what was to happen. Only then could you take the first step to merging them into the gray, into the human that they were. This was not about taking Ben Solo’s hand or Kylo Ren’s hand. This was about taking  _ his _ hand. Because he was both even when he wasn’t.

You lifted both of your hands, one for either of his halves.

“Your journey never ends. Let me guide you to the next stage.”


	2. Chapter 2

**A Soul So Fractured**

_ A post-The Rise of Skywalker _

_ Kylo/Reader Fic _

by elmidol

**Two**

_ Birth of Darkness _

Ben Solo slid his hand into yours after a moment’s hesitation. His jaw had twitched, as though he had fought against a protest that had arisen when given this option. He was more easily accepting of this new part of his existence. On the other hand--what wasn’t in your other hand--the shade that was Kylo Ren dipped his chin to consider your limb through the visor of his helmet. The darker half was mistrusting, and you could not say that you blamed him. Used for so long by Palpatine. His own ambitions for power had encouraged him to eliminate Snoke. They were what had been a driving force that urged him to also seek a means of taking the power offered by Palpatine before killing the Sith Lord.

“A new stage,” the voice behind the mask rumbled. His scoff was distorted, warbled by the vocoder. “What do I need to be redeemed for?” The fingers on the hand you had extended towards the shade of Kylo Ren twitched. Just the very tips of them, curling then flattening. You did not lower your limb even a fraction. This was what could be considered a taste of hell for you. In the past you had remained in this position for the equivalent of the living world’s standard day cycle before the individual you were assigned to accepted what you offered. It was a different exhaustion than what one would feel in a physical body. It cut the spirit.

The hand that had accepted yours, Ben’s hand, had a warmth that radiated through you. He turned, twisting his body, and considered his other half. His eyelids fluttered thrice. You directed your attention to his free hand. It inched away from his hip only to return. He was not offering help to Kylo Ren. Not acceptance.

You felt the first shift within yourself. A fissure forming, one that made you feel as though you were going to be torn in two. Split at the seam to connect with these two broken halves that created one man. The depth of darkness strengthened on one side. Your ability to see was compromised. You knew better than to seek out Ben Solo’s light with all your being. That would serve to intensify the pain. The perception you had of the area altered. It was similar to what one in the living world would refer to an _out of body_ _experience_.

It would be interesting to know what it looked like to him, to his two halves. Ben Solo stepped nearer to you. He fully eliminated the distance, encircling you with one arm. Your mouth dropped open as pain flooded through you. Searing heat that was intense enough it began to radiate. Ben grunted, turned his head and at last addressed his darker half. “Rejecting the light destroys everything. Do not deny it any longer.”

“No,” the shade of Kylo said. “You are too weak to stop it. To protect others. You  _ need _ my power.”

His breathing was becoming labored, his voice twisted by the discomfort that would flood equally through Ben and Kylo. The holes that existed in his fragmented soul blazed hotter and brighter than his helmet ever had. Both halves swayed towards one another, Ben stumbling and dragging you with him. There was nothing you could have done to stop him even if you had wanted to. The cracks forming in  _ you _ lengthened. No longer could you see Kylo Ren. The darkness had grown too strong, too deep. In contrast, Ben’s brightness had you closing your eyes. Or was it just one eye?

It felt as though the entire area was spinning, you along with it. A swirl of motion that refused to allow anything at all to come into focus.

“You’ve been torn apart for so long,” you said weakly. The growing exhaustion hit you on a level that pain never could. A coolness touched the very tips of your fingers. It slipped away before you had any time at all to think of what it had been. A moment later, just as you believed that the reignited spark of promised pain would run through you again, the coolness returned. Your blurred vision transformed into something doubled. Slowly you were able to refocus. The brightness of Ben and the darkness of Kylo merged together.

In either of your hands was one of his. The two largest pieces of this man that would take the most time to heal. And though he had taken your hand, you were convinced that it was due to the fact that he did not wish to be defeated. Kylo Ren viewed you as a threat. You could sense that in his gaze despite being unable to peer into his eyes. The visor of his mask rested on your face, whereas Ben glanced at the hand that Kylo held then the one in his.

The shade skimmed the thumb of his leather-clad hand along your wrist. He had not placed his hand in your palm, no. He had cupped yours with his. He held onto you, not the other way around. Kylo Ren valued power more than anything, and this was but another reminder of that fact.

The glow that had come from Ben Solo dimmed before fading entirely. You felt his presence shift into you, the soul fragment under your protection. You were neartest, that meant, to a fragment of the darker half. His thumb swiped along your hand a second time. It was rare for you to experience this level of sensation. Almost as though you had a body of your own, that the two of you were in the world of the living. You lifted your free hand towards your chest. Cupped your heart while bowing your head and closing your eyes. You felt the goodness that lived inside of Ben now in you. It was his strength, his understanding of Kylo Ren that would guide you.

“You think you can save my soul,” the shade rumbled. His voice cut through the warmth that you had started to feel, and a chill entered you. “No.” Opening your eyes, you peered at the repaired mask. How well it mirrored what he had done to himself on a more spiritual level. “You do not believe you are saving me. Guiding me.” His mask was closer to your face. “You think you have something to show me.”

You felt yourself, your sense of self, moving towards the background. The first piece of his soul that Kylo Ren had lost, the fragment that you could aid him in fitting back into place, was this: “You do not want to be forgotten.”

It is said that one finds it easier to remember the hurts endured in life than the pleasures obtained. Darkness chases away the light. In desperation, Ben Solo and Kylo Ren would lash out while embracing the darkness within. They remembered that. Whispered about it when they didn’t think he was listening. Acknowledged it more frequently than any good deed. The first fragment of Kylo Ren was the first piece to be cast aside and ridiculed. It was the child that Ben Solo had been, the beginning of this shade; the young boy who had feared that he would be forgotten and unloved.

Thus the dark had whispered to him: you are not alone.

Twisting within, nipping at the ankles of the light. You dropped the hand away from your chest to touch the shoulder of the smaller shade that emerged from you. The silhouette of a boy. Angry. Hurt. Misunderstood. This young Kylo Ren, who had been the one to dwell within Ben’s nightmares and dark fantasies. Your grip on the child tightened in unison with the moment that Kylo squeezed your hand.

“I’ve been with him all along. He cannot drive me out.  _ They _ cannot drive me out.”

They. Leia Organa and Han Solo. Ben Solo’s parents. Kylo Ren’s parents.

“I know,” you said. You looked down at the smaller version of Kylo. “They feared this part of you because of what your grandfather had become.”

“I was a child.”

And with a child’s perspective, he could not understand that it was out of love that the parents hoped to calm the outbursts. They wanted to nurture him, yet the child believed it was abandonment. He saw their fear and let it fester. So he, too, thrust aside this youth.

“You were.” The force behind the grip on your hand increased more. The anger was growing. Beside you, the dark child turned away from his elder to press his face into your side. He spat out words of hatred that struck Kylo Ren to the core. You felt the coldness in your chest, in your heart, as those words pierced the shade.

This was the child who both hated and loved the darkness. The child who believed the darkness was his only true friend.

It was a piece he had seen in others, perhaps in the granddaughter of Palpatine or the one known as Armitage Hux.

You stroked your fingers through the child’s hair and marveled how soft it was. Felt him tremble against you. If you were to comfort him with words, were to say that he wasn’t alone, it would remind him of all the times he had felt otherwise. The memories that would arise were not positive no matter their number. It was the negative. The darkness. The  _ I should never have felt alone in the first place _ . Instead you said:

“I am not trying to drive you out.”

“I know,” Kylo Ren said simultaneous to reaching for the child that he had been. The boy flickered out of sight, reabsorbed by the larger portion of the soul. His darkness only grew, as you had known it would. “I will show you the dark side. You will see it, you will live it...through me.” The hand that had been squeezing yours, hurting yours, loosened its hold. Kylo turned your hand in his, moving so that your fingers were cradled gently in his grasp. “Join me.”

Without hesitation, you nodded. “Yes.”


End file.
